Hello! My name is Caitlin and I'm insane.
No I mean that pretty literally, I've never been diagnosed mostly because I am afraid of doctors and there is no way force on God's green Earth that will get me to a shrink to talk about my "feelings."
Yes, I know that's likely silly and wildly prejudicial and yes, psychiatrists do help millions of people every day, but it's not for me. My blood pressure spikes and I start to wheeze when I go to the dentist for a cleaning. Going to a stranger and talking about deeply personal matters while s/he takes notes and then passes judgement on my (lack of) mental health is enough to make me want to pass out.
That being said I am at a difficult point in my life, stuck if you will and I need to talk about things in order to work them out in my head. Throughout my life I have struggled with this oppressive felling of DOUBT, I have always been able to keep myself moving forward in spite of those feelings but having recently graduated from my graduate program I find myself so mired in DOUBT that I actually am hiding my head under the covers and hiding from everything.
I find it hard to talk about this to those I love mostly because I know that it is silly, I have goals they are goals I want to attain. I want to be a teacher, preferably a government and economics teacher but I will work up to that if I need to. I also want to write romance novels, paranormal ones to be specific. I have a good idea and I think a little bit of talent based on some of the short scenes I have done and had others read. I want to get a house and dog and start my life with my husband so I can start paying off my loans and being a responsible citizen.
I want to do all of these things but I can't seem to make myself start. The risk of failure is so high and I am so sure that I am just no good enough. I have been an imposter for years, never having any clue what I am doing but somehow muddling through without anyone noticing. One of my favorite sayings growing up was fake it til ya make it, or in other words look like you know what your doing and eventually you will but how do you know when you can stop faking it? Can teachers really fake it? these are kids FUTURES we are talking about and who am I to screw that up? So I sit paralyzed...maybe one day, with the help of this blog, I can do something?
No I mean that pretty literally, I've never been diagnosed mostly because I am afraid of doctors and there is no way force on God's green Earth that will get me to a shrink to talk about my "feelings."
Yes, I know that's likely silly and wildly prejudicial and yes, psychiatrists do help millions of people every day, but it's not for me. My blood pressure spikes and I start to wheeze when I go to the dentist for a cleaning. Going to a stranger and talking about deeply personal matters while s/he takes notes and then passes judgement on my (lack of) mental health is enough to make me want to pass out.
That being said I am at a difficult point in my life, stuck if you will and I need to talk about things in order to work them out in my head. Throughout my life I have struggled with this oppressive felling of DOUBT, I have always been able to keep myself moving forward in spite of those feelings but having recently graduated from my graduate program I find myself so mired in DOUBT that I actually am hiding my head under the covers and hiding from everything.
I find it hard to talk about this to those I love mostly because I know that it is silly, I have goals they are goals I want to attain. I want to be a teacher, preferably a government and economics teacher but I will work up to that if I need to. I also want to write romance novels, paranormal ones to be specific. I have a good idea and I think a little bit of talent based on some of the short scenes I have done and had others read. I want to get a house and dog and start my life with my husband so I can start paying off my loans and being a responsible citizen.
I want to do all of these things but I can't seem to make myself start. The risk of failure is so high and I am so sure that I am just no good enough. I have been an imposter for years, never having any clue what I am doing but somehow muddling through without anyone noticing. One of my favorite sayings growing up was fake it til ya make it, or in other words look like you know what your doing and eventually you will but how do you know when you can stop faking it? Can teachers really fake it? these are kids FUTURES we are talking about and who am I to screw that up? So I sit paralyzed...maybe one day, with the help of this blog, I can do something?
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