My brain tends to work differently then that of most people. I know that everyone's brain is different and the perceptions and interpretations of our brains shapes how we see the world but I can seem to escape then fact that my brain is just that extra little bit different. Honestly I am glad I grew up in the late 80's in a VERY small rural town that had never heard of things like ADHD, asperger's or physc meds for kids cause I am sure my teachers would have loved to dope me the heck up.
I think at least part of the difficulty comes from being a) an only child and b) a miracle child. My mom tried for a long time to get pregnant and while she was pregnant had a myriad of complications that basically almost cost of both our lives. So when I was born it was something like a relief to all involved. Unfortunately both my parents were older, no friends having kids for play dates and I spent the majority of my time before I went to school with adults who delighted in my ability to soak up and remember damn near everything. They thought I was great, a baby for a lot of people that either had difficulty having their own babies or whose babies had already grown up and left them.
By the time I started school I was loud and obnoxious and my brain just worked at about a million miles a minute. I remember being able to do all my school work in about 1/2 the time it would take my friends then being bored out of my mind so that I would talk and talk and disrupt class. Whoops. Eventually (like 3rd or 4th grade) they figured out that if they gave me something else to do that I enjoyed (usually reading or small desk games) I would shut up but it was pretty brutal in school for a while.
Add on to that what I affectionately refer to as the Kindergarten Mafia, basically a loosely defined set of cliques that were responsible for "facilitating" all the trading that usually goes on between children (anyone that has children will tell you that they can go to school with one set of belongings and come back with another) I was somewhere between Don and Enforcer, mainly because even though I was the shortest kid in class I had an overdeveloped sense of vengeance and very little fear of children who were twice my size.I never got into trouble because what self respecting boy was going to say that the 3ft terror beat the heck out of him?
The problem being that I was basically ostracized socially, the first time I got invited over to another kids house I was 12 or 13. I got really good at being alone in my own head and entertaining myself, I had an imaginary friend and little to no filter in anything I said - I actually told my teachers that when I grew up I wanted a rich husband, when asked why I said something along the lines of "So I can do what I want and have fun, duh" - again my parents adults friends found this delightful and everyone else cringed. Then my sister was born
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Things I learned this Weekend
1) I hate surgery - like a lot, a whole whole lot. I had my wisdom teeth out on Thursday and honestly I am just now feeling even remotely myself, though I am still about 65% miserable and my freaking JAW hurts like the dickens.On top of that are medications, I am very sensitive to all medications (Tylenol makes me sicker then anything) and I can't take any kind of antibiotics, pain meds or apparently steroids without being nauseous and miserable.
2) I am a terrible patient - I love my husband, he is good and kind and smart. He is also a whiny biznatch when he is sick. I don't get sick very often so I will tease him about how whiny he is when he's sick. This weekend I found out that I am 10 times as whiny as he will ever ever be. I whined constantly, about how much I hurt, about how I hate medicine, about how much I just want to freaking EAT SOMETHING! (for the record putting food in my mouth and swallowing it whole is not eating, its like being a baby bird and is gross and miserable, I want to CHEW)
*ahem* as I was saying, I suck at being grateful and demure and for this I apologize. Or I would...if you would stop eating food that I want to eat you *mumble mumble*
3)Vicoprophen (which is the wussy non tylenol version of Vicoden) makes me more dizzy then anything ever. Like I can't stand up and walk dizzy after taking it once while conscious (I took it the day of surgery but also slept most of that day sooo it doesn't count) I can't understand why anyone would take it for recreational purposes.
And that is what I learned this weekend...now it's time to put more ice on my stupid face
2) I am a terrible patient - I love my husband, he is good and kind and smart. He is also a whiny biznatch when he is sick. I don't get sick very often so I will tease him about how whiny he is when he's sick. This weekend I found out that I am 10 times as whiny as he will ever ever be. I whined constantly, about how much I hurt, about how I hate medicine, about how much I just want to freaking EAT SOMETHING! (for the record putting food in my mouth and swallowing it whole is not eating, its like being a baby bird and is gross and miserable, I want to CHEW)
*ahem* as I was saying, I suck at being grateful and demure and for this I apologize. Or I would...if you would stop eating food that I want to eat you *mumble mumble*
3)Vicoprophen (which is the wussy non tylenol version of Vicoden) makes me more dizzy then anything ever. Like I can't stand up and walk dizzy after taking it once while conscious (I took it the day of surgery but also slept most of that day sooo it doesn't count) I can't understand why anyone would take it for recreational purposes.
And that is what I learned this weekend...now it's time to put more ice on my stupid face
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Surgery and other life lessons
I have to have oral surgery today...no blogging until I am less drugged.
Til next week
Til next week
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Communication
I suck at English.
Obviously I can speak it but for some reason I seem unable to speak it in a way that other people can understand. I actually have a running joke with all of my friends, when in public I will speak to someone who doesn't know me (i.e. a cashier or a hairdresser) and that person will look at me as if to say "was that English?" and my friend, whomever I am with, will then have to step in and say what it was I meant to say.
and after that long rambling you can probably see what I mean...oy vey
ANYWAY, I have issues with communication. This can be problematic because in my day to day life I have to deal with many people who do not understand my language. So what's a girl to do?
Over the last 2 years I have been working as a Direct Support Professional for people with developmental disabilities, which means that I help them with their day to day lives so that they can live as normally as possible. This has helped me in two ways:
1) It has helped me to understand and appreciate how important communication is. It's amazing how much we take for granted. The people that I support have to use many alternate forms of communication and even then they are usually limited by their own bodies. At the very least I can speak and try to make myself understood. Try to get yourself understood when you can only "speak" about 100 words.
2) People are always going to understand what they want, not necessarily what you mean. This is often especially true of my co-workers. I will say something I think is simple, like "hey can you help with this laundry while I do X" and they will take it to mean "I am more important than you and folding laundry is beneath me" This leaves me going WTF?!? that's not what I said! So I have had to learn to choose my words carefully and tailor them to the person to whom I am speaking.
The most important thing that I have learned is something called "coaching the pause" its one of my boss's favorite sayings and honestly very helpful advice. It goes like this: when someone says something outrageous, inflammatory or just plain rude instead of responding right away you stop and take a second to digest what they said. Did they mean it the way that you think they did? Are there any other interpretations of what they said? How best can you respond to diffuse any tension rather then escalating the situation.
My boss is a MASTER of this technique and I have been trying to learn. It's slow going, but it has helped me with my coworkers and with others. I still get mad but I find that I can respond calmly and help the person express whatever is bugging them and come to a solution instead of taking offense and ending up in an unproductive screaming match with a peer (or worse a student!)
Obviously I can speak it but for some reason I seem unable to speak it in a way that other people can understand. I actually have a running joke with all of my friends, when in public I will speak to someone who doesn't know me (i.e. a cashier or a hairdresser) and that person will look at me as if to say "was that English?" and my friend, whomever I am with, will then have to step in and say what it was I meant to say.
and after that long rambling you can probably see what I mean...oy vey
ANYWAY, I have issues with communication. This can be problematic because in my day to day life I have to deal with many people who do not understand my language. So what's a girl to do?
Over the last 2 years I have been working as a Direct Support Professional for people with developmental disabilities, which means that I help them with their day to day lives so that they can live as normally as possible. This has helped me in two ways:
1) It has helped me to understand and appreciate how important communication is. It's amazing how much we take for granted. The people that I support have to use many alternate forms of communication and even then they are usually limited by their own bodies. At the very least I can speak and try to make myself understood. Try to get yourself understood when you can only "speak" about 100 words.
2) People are always going to understand what they want, not necessarily what you mean. This is often especially true of my co-workers. I will say something I think is simple, like "hey can you help with this laundry while I do X" and they will take it to mean "I am more important than you and folding laundry is beneath me" This leaves me going WTF?!? that's not what I said! So I have had to learn to choose my words carefully and tailor them to the person to whom I am speaking.
The most important thing that I have learned is something called "coaching the pause" its one of my boss's favorite sayings and honestly very helpful advice. It goes like this: when someone says something outrageous, inflammatory or just plain rude instead of responding right away you stop and take a second to digest what they said. Did they mean it the way that you think they did? Are there any other interpretations of what they said? How best can you respond to diffuse any tension rather then escalating the situation.
My boss is a MASTER of this technique and I have been trying to learn. It's slow going, but it has helped me with my coworkers and with others. I still get mad but I find that I can respond calmly and help the person express whatever is bugging them and come to a solution instead of taking offense and ending up in an unproductive screaming match with a peer (or worse a student!)
Monday, March 19, 2012
What is Imposter Syndrome?
The idea of "imposter syndrome" comes from this post: Imposter Syndrome - which is a from wonderful wonderful blog whether you are a mommy or just a regular person. I am not a mommy yet but I do identify with the idea of Imposter Syndrome
Everyday I am pretending to be something, and I do pretty well considering that I have my boss, my friends and sometimes even my husband convinced that I have a handle on things. This of course is all a clever facade, in reality I have a handle on NOTHING. Not cooking, not cleaning, not writing, and most certainly not getting a teaching job, I just happen to be pretty good at pretending like I know what I am doing.
Hence this blog: Imposter Syndrome - a place for me to flail in peace. As I mentioned lately my facade has been cracking, its getting harder to pretend that I know whats going on and my own incompetence is catching up with me. So I do what I always do when I need to get some perspective, I write. This blog will be a Monday - Friday journal of me trying to get my life together. As such it will include: general bitching, occasional sarcastic comments, a minimum of whining, and stories about how I try to get my life together.
You can expect posts about my ongoing battle not to become my mother in looks (my family has a history of wight issues), not to become my MIL in demeanor (we'll get there), to try to find delicious healthy and easy meals to feed my family without using every dish in my microscopic kitchen, to try to write a cogent and fun to read paranormal novel about aliens and quantum physics, and most importantly to try to find a teaching job so that I can get a house, a dog and a life (not necessarily in that order).
So welcome to breakdown folks! Please keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times and most importantly hold on :)
Everyday I am pretending to be something, and I do pretty well considering that I have my boss, my friends and sometimes even my husband convinced that I have a handle on things. This of course is all a clever facade, in reality I have a handle on NOTHING. Not cooking, not cleaning, not writing, and most certainly not getting a teaching job, I just happen to be pretty good at pretending like I know what I am doing.
Hence this blog: Imposter Syndrome - a place for me to flail in peace. As I mentioned lately my facade has been cracking, its getting harder to pretend that I know whats going on and my own incompetence is catching up with me. So I do what I always do when I need to get some perspective, I write. This blog will be a Monday - Friday journal of me trying to get my life together. As such it will include: general bitching, occasional sarcastic comments, a minimum of whining, and stories about how I try to get my life together.
You can expect posts about my ongoing battle not to become my mother in looks (my family has a history of wight issues), not to become my MIL in demeanor (we'll get there), to try to find delicious healthy and easy meals to feed my family without using every dish in my microscopic kitchen, to try to write a cogent and fun to read paranormal novel about aliens and quantum physics, and most importantly to try to find a teaching job so that I can get a house, a dog and a life (not necessarily in that order).
So welcome to breakdown folks! Please keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times and most importantly hold on :)
About Me
Hello! My name is Caitlin and I'm insane.
No I mean that pretty literally, I've never been diagnosed mostly because I am afraid of doctors and there is no way force on God's green Earth that will get me to a shrink to talk about my "feelings."
Yes, I know that's likely silly and wildly prejudicial and yes, psychiatrists do help millions of people every day, but it's not for me. My blood pressure spikes and I start to wheeze when I go to the dentist for a cleaning. Going to a stranger and talking about deeply personal matters while s/he takes notes and then passes judgement on my (lack of) mental health is enough to make me want to pass out.
That being said I am at a difficult point in my life, stuck if you will and I need to talk about things in order to work them out in my head. Throughout my life I have struggled with this oppressive felling of DOUBT, I have always been able to keep myself moving forward in spite of those feelings but having recently graduated from my graduate program I find myself so mired in DOUBT that I actually am hiding my head under the covers and hiding from everything.
I find it hard to talk about this to those I love mostly because I know that it is silly, I have goals they are goals I want to attain. I want to be a teacher, preferably a government and economics teacher but I will work up to that if I need to. I also want to write romance novels, paranormal ones to be specific. I have a good idea and I think a little bit of talent based on some of the short scenes I have done and had others read. I want to get a house and dog and start my life with my husband so I can start paying off my loans and being a responsible citizen.
I want to do all of these things but I can't seem to make myself start. The risk of failure is so high and I am so sure that I am just no good enough. I have been an imposter for years, never having any clue what I am doing but somehow muddling through without anyone noticing. One of my favorite sayings growing up was fake it til ya make it, or in other words look like you know what your doing and eventually you will but how do you know when you can stop faking it? Can teachers really fake it? these are kids FUTURES we are talking about and who am I to screw that up? So I sit paralyzed...maybe one day, with the help of this blog, I can do something?
No I mean that pretty literally, I've never been diagnosed mostly because I am afraid of doctors and there is no way force on God's green Earth that will get me to a shrink to talk about my "feelings."
Yes, I know that's likely silly and wildly prejudicial and yes, psychiatrists do help millions of people every day, but it's not for me. My blood pressure spikes and I start to wheeze when I go to the dentist for a cleaning. Going to a stranger and talking about deeply personal matters while s/he takes notes and then passes judgement on my (lack of) mental health is enough to make me want to pass out.
That being said I am at a difficult point in my life, stuck if you will and I need to talk about things in order to work them out in my head. Throughout my life I have struggled with this oppressive felling of DOUBT, I have always been able to keep myself moving forward in spite of those feelings but having recently graduated from my graduate program I find myself so mired in DOUBT that I actually am hiding my head under the covers and hiding from everything.
I find it hard to talk about this to those I love mostly because I know that it is silly, I have goals they are goals I want to attain. I want to be a teacher, preferably a government and economics teacher but I will work up to that if I need to. I also want to write romance novels, paranormal ones to be specific. I have a good idea and I think a little bit of talent based on some of the short scenes I have done and had others read. I want to get a house and dog and start my life with my husband so I can start paying off my loans and being a responsible citizen.
I want to do all of these things but I can't seem to make myself start. The risk of failure is so high and I am so sure that I am just no good enough. I have been an imposter for years, never having any clue what I am doing but somehow muddling through without anyone noticing. One of my favorite sayings growing up was fake it til ya make it, or in other words look like you know what your doing and eventually you will but how do you know when you can stop faking it? Can teachers really fake it? these are kids FUTURES we are talking about and who am I to screw that up? So I sit paralyzed...maybe one day, with the help of this blog, I can do something?
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